升级句子 3月25日.ppt

作文修改 葛佳宁 3月25日晚 题目一 I have a dream 开放式 不少于60字 作文一 选取理由：文章立意新颖，但是表达明显欠缺，如果能够在语言上加以改进，将会从不合格线上一跃成为一篇难得的上乘之作。同时该生所犯错误集中而且较为典型，具有代表性，故拿来做范文进行比对分析。 原文 I have a dream ①My dream is to be a “rich” man, It isn’t means that I own enough money, but means I am a person who have a lot of wise and virtue. ②In this world, most rich man haven’t wise and virtue, They only got a mind which want to earn money quickly. ③In my opinions, they musn’t happy. ④Wise can help us deal with any awful problems, such as getting over slaughten、mongful conviction and so on. ⑤They make us hopeless. What’s lead us escape from the miseary. ⑥In every’s life, there is too much attraction. Some of them is awful to others. How can me refuse them? The only way is our mind which contain enough beautiful virture. ⑦If I have those wise and virture, I will be happy and right. This is my dream. “诊断报告” 主要症状：1.分段缺少逻辑性 2. 语法错误较多 3. 标点使用有误 4. 语言和表达不当 对症下药： 1. 关于分段： 方法一：2-6合成一段，分别论述wisdom和virtue的重要性 方法二：2-5一段（wisdom），6-7一段（virtue） 错误分类 （1）拼写 It isn’t means that I own enough money own →earn 挣得 virture→virtue …,such as getting over slaughten, mongful conviction and so on. slaughten →slaughter；mongful →mournful What’s lead us escape from the miseary. miseary →misery （2）关于语法错误 but means I am a person who have a lot of wise and virtue. 所有的wise →wisdom 词性 have →has 第三人称单数 It isn’t means that I earn enough money isn’t →doesn’t 助动词错误 They only got a mind which want to earn money quickly. got →get 时态 Wisdom can help us deal with any awful problems, such as getting over slaughter, mournful conviction and so on. 改为 any awful problem 或者 all kinds of awful problems any 和名词的搭配 （3）标点的使用 In this world, most rich man haven’t wise and virtue, They only got a mind which want to earn money quickly 逗号 →句号 Wisdom can help us deal with any awful problems, such as getting over slaughter、mournful conviction and so on. 顿号→逗号 4. 语言和表达 （1）用词错误 They musn’t happy Mus’t → Musn’t，此句