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Scene 1
Aunt Polly:To-o!
(No response.)
Aunt Polly:To-000000000000000000m!
(No response.)
Aunt Polly:Tom Sawyer, if you dont come out this minute Im gonna lick your behind.
(A giggle.)
Aunt Polly:I heard you,young man.Now come out and admit you ate all my homemade strawberry jam.
(Silence.)
Tom:(Voice muffled.) Aunt Polly,why do you want to lick a bees hindquarters? Youll hurt your tongue.
Aunt Polly:(Looking around.)Where are you?
Tom:(Muffled whisper.)Im everywhere,and nowhere.I am nothing,and everything.I am the thief of jam!
Aunt Polly:(Exasperated.)The only thing you are is a pest. When I get my hands on you Im going to spank your bottom blue.
Tom Sawyer:But Auntie, Im just an orphan. Without your love and kindness Ill turn into a thief and a scoundrel.
Aunt Polly:Its too late for that Im afraid-there you are!
(Aunt Polly pulls Tom out from a cupboard by the ear.)
Aunt Polly: How did you fit in there?
Tom: I was a circus freak in my youth.
(Tom attempts to put a foot behind his head.)
A contortionist of middling talent.
Aunt Polly: Oh,please.Ive been taking care of you since you were still wetting the bed.Now be a good boy and get the switch.
Tom:Auntie-e-e,dont make fun of me for wetting the bed.
Aunt Polly:Youre a tough child.
Tom:If you take away a boys dignity,what does he have left?
Aunt Polly:Stolen strawberry jam in his belly.Now bend over.
Tom:Look at that enormous horsefly!
Aunt Polly:Im not falling for that one again.
Tom:No, its, its huge. Ive never seen anything like it.Gargantuan.Monolithic.A leviathan.AND ITS IN YOUR HAIR!
(Aunt Polly starts to paw her face.Tom takes this opportunity to scamper offstage.)
Aunt Polly:Tom,when you come back Im-gonna-beat-you-into-next-week-dyou-hear-me?!
Aunt Polly:(Talking to audience.)Relax.I never end up beating him.He always tricks me.Even if he didnt, I could never bring myself to hurt that sweet fool of a boy.
Im Toms aunt.My sister,rest her soul,died of scarlet fever when Tom and his brother Sid we
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